I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
