So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
