you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
