May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
COCAINE IS GR8
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
