Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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