Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
