Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Drunk is not a location!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
