i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
