At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
