have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Two words: blizzard sex
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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