she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
