thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize