look no pants
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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