the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I skipped work to stalk him.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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