Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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