How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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