Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
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She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
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And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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