yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
