sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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