i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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