Well apparently he's into motor boating.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
