hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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