Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
