Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
