I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
