i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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