I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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