what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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