just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
