The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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