I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
