Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Randomize
