Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
