I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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