I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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