Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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