i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
