So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
