dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
