I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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