I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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