Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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