then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
