Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
