fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
