in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
