I can text with my tongue
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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