Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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