I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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