I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
