dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.