May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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