sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
