yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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