Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Boobs speak an international language.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
