Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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