I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
