I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We're not piercing ourselves today.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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