oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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