If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
