U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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