i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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