Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
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I booty called her while she was in labor.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
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I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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